


Feed the fish, will you?

by GreyWeeknds



Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 15:30:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2115129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyWeeknds/pseuds/GreyWeeknds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tristan is suffering with an eating disorder and being head over heels for Miles. Hopefully Miles can help him with one of those problems. And why does Alli Bhandari keep following him all the time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feed the fish, will you?

It’s a Wednesday morning, and Tristan has just finished his breakfast. He’s about to run for the bus, because somehow he always ends up being just in time before it leaves.

He forgets to say goodbye to his dad who’s reading the morning paper, twirling his somewhat grey moustache, as his glasses falls down to his nose.

He even forgets to give his mum a light peck on her cheek like he normally does. Instead he runs, and it’s only about two minutes to the bus stop. Yet he’s breathing so heavy and a light white haze covers his sight as the blood taste appears inside his mouth.

He’s sixteen, and he’s not supposed to feel this tired after such a short run. But he is, and he forgets about it all in a matter of three minutes.

“Hi Tris!” Maya greets him happily as she puts her arm around his neck. “Is that scarf Prada?”

He looks at her in an offended way, stroking the soft material as he hisses in a half-joke and half-serious tone: “It’s Versace, you Neanderthal!”

She just laughs loudly and shakes her shoulders as her hair dances in the air. She looks so stunning, just like that.

Tristan thinks about Maya, and she’s his best friend, so he knows he’s not entitled to think this way, yet it’s impossible not to. As long as he remembers, he always wanted to throw those glasses away and put some heavier make-up.

He’s gotten the opportunity to do so whenever it’s been a special occasion, and it’s been the highlight of those days, but that doesn’t happen as often as he would like to. He’s sure that she would have gotten a lot more guys after herself if she would just try a little harder with her appearance. But then again, she’s got at least three guys after herself in the last two years, and she’s not even tried to look good. That’s more than to say about Tristan, who’s gotten no one and he’s tried so hard it’s beyond ridicules.

“Are you free this Friday, because my mum isn’t home?” Maya asks him. “Because I was thinking about having a bit of a get-together with some from the class.”

Tristan tries to hide his grin as he takes up his phone and skims it through.

“Let me just check my calendar.” He teases.

She lightly slaps his shoulder, and the smiles on their faces are matching.

“Obvi I’m in for it.” He says. “Are we allowed to have booze?”

The smile on her lips fades away, and instead she begins to nibble on her thumb. He recognises that sign, and it’s not a good one. It’s the ‘My parents would never let me’ face that badly enough is worn by her too often.

“Sorry.”

From there on they just talk casually about what will happen on Friday until the bus reaches the school, and a small aching feeling in Tristan’s stomach is saying that it’s hungry.

-

When it’s finally lunch, Tristan is almost floating to the cafeteria. He’s the fourth in line, and he can’t wait to get his teeth in that steaming pork. He fills the plate with meat, potato and some vegetables, and then he finds a free table and awaits his friends.

Winston is the first to arrive, and they nod politely to each other as they sit down in silence.

Winston looks a little bit weirdly at him for a second, but Tristan chooses not to reflect on that too much, because he can’t confront him since they’re not actually friends. They’re the type of people in gangs where they don’t choose to hang out with each other; it’s just that they are forced to be around the other one since they have the same circle of friends. And Tristan is fine with not being on speaking terms with him, because he finds Winston quite dull and stuck-up. Not the kind of person he would personally choose spends his weekends with.

Miles, Zoë and Maya are walking together to the table. The girls are chatting about something, and he’s pretty sure that it’s Friday they’re talking about. Maya looks so hopeful; like she reckons that this party will be funnier than the others she’s had.

When they’re all sitting down he has Maya on his left and Miles on his right. It’s been this way ever since the two of them broke up, but decided that that wouldn’t ruin their friendship (if you can even call it that). In the beginning it was a bit awkward, but they’ve all learned to live with it, and it’s been an unsaid tradition that it’s Tristan who’s the barrier between them so they don’t have to face one another directly.

He notices that Miles is giving him the same strange look like Winston did, but this time he doesn’t keep his mouth shut, because he can say whatever he wants to Miles.

“Why on heavens earth are you staring at me like that!” he sighs loudly. “Do I have something on my teeth or what?”

Miles eyes flickers between his plate and Tristan’s face a second. Zoë is glaring at him with a look that says ‘Don’t you dare’. But he finally confesses what’s on his mind, which Tristan soon would wish would have been unsaid.

“I was just thinking about if you’re thinking about feeding the whole school or something.” He snickers.

“Miles!” Zoë exclaims, shock so noticeable it’s almost amusing.

He feels Maya’s hand that instantly reaching down to his thigh, squeezing it reassuringly. He knows why she does that, because ever since he suffered from that dumb heart attack she’s been so afraid that he’ll fall down to old habits.

Tristan looks down at the plate in front of him, and he realizes that Miles right. He’s nearly taken twice as much as the others, and he’s gotten far too much food than necessary. It really does look like he’s sharing it with someone else. And that makes his cheek heat up, and his belly feel a lot fatter than it did this same morning.

For the rest of that meal no one really pays much attention to that Tristan doesn’t utter a word after that. They don’t either see that he doesn’t even put one bite of food into his mouth. Well, except from Alli Bhandari who he doesn’t notice watches him from the other side of the cafeteria with a concerned look.

-

It’s Friday night and they’re all ganged up at Maya’s place. Maya invited Zig too, so they’re behaving like they are the only one’s left in the world, and for a minute Tristan begins to question why they’ve all been invited in here from the first place.

What he thought would be a fun night, or enjoyable at least, turned into a date between her and Zig with just some extra people in the room. And Tristan feel’s like he’s one drop from leaving this whatever it is thing.

He looks at Miles who’s sitting across the room. Miles’ staring at Winston and Zoë, and it turns out that it’s a double date, and he and Miles are both the third wheels. Tristan decides that it’s better to be lonely with someone else than to actually be alone by himself.

When he sits down on the couch beside Miles the other teen doesn’t even give him a greeting nod as a response of acknowledging his presence, he only sighs and acts like he’s in hell.

And Tristan knows what he means. It feels embarrassing to see their other friends being so touchy against each other, and him and Miles are left out and supposed to just accept that this is what it’s going to be in the future. That it’s Miles’ fault that he screwed up with both Maya and Zoë, and that it’s Tristan’s fault that he’s the only one of the guys who’s gay. They’re both just the elephants in the room right now.

“You want to come with me while I go and smoke?” Miles asks him, though it seems like he’s just being polite and that he doesn’t really care about if he comes or not.

“Sure.” He mumbles before he sneaks out with Miles to the garden.

What he’s always loved with Maya’s garden is that it’s so natural. The flowers aren’t planted in a special planned way, because there are roses that are sticking up in the middle of the lawn and the grass is never fully cut. There’re flaws everywhere, and to Tristan, that’s what makes it so much prettier.

Miles is sitting down on the ground, and Tristan joins him, as it would be a bit awkward if he just stood up. He just hopes he doesn’t get stains on his new Armani jeans, because that would be a real disaster.

“It’s ugly what they’re doing in that room.” Miles mutters more to himself than to Tristan. “We’re jokes to them, and it’s not even fair, because this time it was Maya who dumped me, not the other way around.”

And that is where the whole problem lies. Because he knows that Maya’s moved on, honestly, she moved on quite a bit ago, but Miles’ hasn’t. And it hurts to see him being so caught up with all his emotions towards her, that he doesn’t even notice how much Tristan wants him.

It’s not really his problem that Tristan is still in love with him though, but that doesn’t make it any less aching knowing how he’s always so fixated on a girl that has forgotten about him. He’s never once asked Tristan if he’s been seeing someone. And of course he wouldn’t admit that stupid thing he had with Mr Yates, because even he’s so much to his sense that he comprehends the fact that his teacher used him. And in a way he used Yates too, because it was so much easier to just forget about the dream where he wished he could be more than anything to be with his straight best friend. Embarrassing, really.

It had worked for a little bit, but then when Maya got Mr Yates suspended, his old feelings that never really faded away just blew up again, and this time, out of proportion. And this time he had fallen for Miles so incredibly hard that he didn’t think he could ever not love him again.

“Gottcha. I don’t even know why I was invited to watch their orgy.” Tristan agrees.

The other boy begins to laugh, so loudly that his belly feels warm and mushy when he realizes that he’s gotten Miles from a bad mood to a better one. Because even though he’s only succeeded at that, it’s at least him who’s making him smile and not Maya.

“Orgy, I like that one.” He grins. “But honestly though, I don’t get it either man.”

Tristan pulls a few fingers through his bleached hair and inhales a breath. He’s not sure if he’s entitled to ask this question or not, but he’s been wondering about it for quite a bit now that it’s almost driving him insane.

“In Paris, when I kissed you, were you disgusted by me?”

A strange look occurs on Miles’ face, and then he puts an arm around his neck and brings their heads closer. He can almost feel Miles’ breath against his skin, and he doesn’t know if it’s that or because of the freezing cold weather that he begins to shiver.

“Of course not Tris, I would never be disgusted by you. Hell, I’m so done with girls after Maya that if I ever knew what I know today, I would have rather been stuck to you than to her.”

And Tristan can’t help to get his hopes on in that very moment, even though he knows that Miles’ isn’t actually intending that he wants to play for the different team. But it makes him feel better, pretending that he’s got some twisted kind of shot with the rich boy who’s sitting right beside him, sharing the same air as he does. And if Tristan is saying inside his own head that that almost counts as a kiss, he’s not admitting that to anyone, not even himself.

-

When Tristan comes home, around 3:00AM, he sneaks quietly into the house. Even though his parents aren’t as strict as Maya’s, they’re not reckless either.

He remembers when he was younger and waking up in the middle of the night, hearing his mum yelling angrily at Owen, calling him an idiot for being so irresponsible for not telling her where he was. He also remembers his stupid excuses, which lead to even more stupid fights.

Now, it’s only Tristan left, and he knows that his parents’ thinks that Tristan is a lot better to deal with than his big brother. He get better than average grades, excluded math, and the only friends they’ve ever heard of are Maya and Tori. If they’ve ever got the fact that Zoë, the ‘West drive’ drunk, and Miles, the rich junkie, they would probably cut him off their will.

When he’s done climbing up the stairs, he reaches his room and he starts to undress. Right before he goes to the bed, a pile of clothes beside it, he changes the direction and walks to the full-body mirror.

He looks down at his tummy, and squeezes it lightly with his fingers. It feels like dough in his firm grip, and he can’t understand why he’s never noticed that until now. It’s like he’s finally opened his eyes and can see his fat hips and the double chin that he hadn’t sawn earlier the same week. He feels ashamed just looking at his nasty body.

A sudden feeling of nausea starts bubbling up inside him, and he has to run to the bathroom and throws himself down to the floor in front of the toilet. Then he begins to vomit up everything that his belly can contain. And after that he still doesn’t feel that satisfied, so he puts down two fingers into his throat and wiggles until he gets up more puke, even though it’s just bile.

When he’s done his eyes are bloodshot and his face is stinging so hard that it literally hurts. But when he looks at himself in the mirror, he knows it worth it. Because what reflects back to him through the glass is a slightly thinner face, and that makes his heart speed up.

Tristan brushes his teeth twice after that, just to be on the safe side. Then he climbs back into bed, giving his stomach a light squeeze. And indeed, it does feel smaller.

-

Tristan is on his way to Miles’ house, jogging even though he’s been out of breath for more than eight minutes. He doesn’t dare to stop, because if he does, he’s not sure he’ll be able to carry on.

It’s been three weeks since they were all at Maya’s, and Tristan has been running thrice a day since then. He’s lost nine pounds, it says on the scale at least, but whenever he looks himself in the mirror he can’t really see it.

No one else has noticed it either, except from Alli Bhandari. It’s a bit strange since they’re not friends, and to be completely honest, they’re normally not even on speaking to each other. But seven days ago she just walked to him at the lunch table before any of his friends had found him in the cafeteria. She had started off by telling him how good he looked, but then she began telling him that she was starting to get worried over how fast he had lost all that weight.

Tristan hadn’t meant it, but he had yelled at her to keep her nose out of her business.

But she hadn’t. Every day since then she had somehow always found him, even when the weekend had arrived, and she would always offer him something to eat. But of course he denied her, it would be pointless else way to loose this much weight in such a short matter of time if was just going to cheat and eat a snack.

Every time he told her no, she would always get this annoying frown between her eyebrows. Which lead to Tristan non-politely ending their conversations with excuses that weren’t true.

But he didn’t want to think of Alli Bhandari right now. Instead he wanted to think of Miles, whom he had spent a lot more time with ever since they had been by their selves at Maya’s.

It isn’t something out of the ordinary. They’re just two pals who’s beginning to hit off with each other more than before. But still, it means the world to Tristan, for example like today; he had been invited to Miles’ place, just him alone.

He was beginning to get the sight of the Hollingsworth’s house, or rather, mansion. And just like yesterday, Miles was waiting for him patiently on the pavement, smiling happily as he throws his arms around Tristan’s neck.

Tristan inhales Miles’ scent through his nostrils. It’s so spicy that he feels dizzy just smelling it. Yet he can’t get enough of it as he pushes his nose further into the other boy’s hair.

Unfortunately Miles lets go off him as quickly as he had hugged him, and the feeling of disappointment swells up inside him.

“Geez, Tris, you’re running for the marathon?” Miles chuckles.

Tristan doesn’t answer to that, however he lets himself in and walks straight to his friend’s room. He sits down on Miles’ bed and awaits him to put on some movie without asking Tristan if he wants to see it, sitting on the chair beside the bed and sometimes put in some kind of conversation so it doesn’t get too awkward.

But Miles doesn’t do that. Well, he does, but this time he just stands up and glances at Tristan, and he can feel his stupid cheeks turning into a crimson shade.

“Can I sit with you?” he asks in a low voice.

It feels like his eyes are going to pop out as he coughs a little surprisingly and jumps a step to the left so that there’s more room on the bed.

“Sure, sure. It’s your bed anyway.” Tristan says as he tries to act cool. “I mean, if you want to, I can take the chair this time.”

Miles just sits down beside him, ignoring what he just said as he rests his head against Tristan’s chest.

He can feel his own heart start rising, and his breaths get deeper, and he knows that Miles notice it too. But he doesn’t back away; instead he puts his hand on Tristan’s, his eyes glued to the telly.

When he gets home that day, his mother asks him what movie they saw, just like she’s asked him all the other times. But this day he can’t remember it, because he had been too preoccupied watching their entwined fingers for an hour and a half, and freaking out inside his own head.

-

It’s a Sunday afternoon when Tristan finds Alli Bhandari sitting on his porch. She’s resting on the wall as her eyes are closed, and he can even see a little sip of drool from the corner of her mouth.

Lately she hasn’t really gotten on his nerves that much. Because whenever he has seen her he has just found some way to surpass her.

But this time it’s different, because he can’t escape her now when she sits right beside his own front door.

“Ahem.” He clears his throat.

She jumps a little, which isn’t so odd since he just woke her up.

“Tristan!” she exclaims as she dries the spit away with her sleeve. “I brought you a smoothie from The Dot.”

Tristan looks at her tiredly and he begins to wonder how long she’ll be continuing to do this. He can’t for the love of God understand how she keeps having the strength to do this for several weeks a road now. It’s amazing, really, but annoying as well.

If Tristan would have been older, he can actually see that him and her could be friends easily. She clearly dresses a lot better than Maya, and she’s funnier than Zoë. But then again, he doesn’t really know her; perhaps she’s this irritating to her friends too?

“Bhandari, why are you here? How do you even know where I live?”

She looks at him determinately and pushes the smoothie against his chest. It’s cold and makes his under lip tremble as his mouth starts to water. He’s really hungry; it’s been thirteen hours since he last ate. But he’s on a strict diet, where he can’t eat more than five hundred calories a day, and Tristan’s personal goal is to not reach more than three hundred.

“I’ll tell you, if you eat this.” She says with such a convincing voice that Tristan’s almost overweighing the option.

“You know I won’t. I haven’t accepted your offers for more than seven weeks, why would you think I would accept it now?” 

“Because.” She answers. “This time you look like you’re going to faint of hunger.”

And she’s right. He can see his own reflection through the window, and his skin is even paler than it is normally. His body is shivering, and his hands are shaking violently.

“Well, I’m fine.” He says, but he really isn’t.

He sits down on the ground beside her, because he feels like he’s going to fall. And he’s not up to proving the girl right.

She takes the lid away, and he accepts it for the first time. Because he’s just going to take a sip of it, then return it. He takes a deep breath and he has to push away the stone in his throat that wants to close the entrance to his stomach.

And when he begins to drink it, he can’t stop. He can’t even taste the flavours, because he’s so hungry, he’s starving.

“Take it easy, or else you’re going to throw up.” She informs him.

But he can’t, because he feels even hungrier when he’s done. He has to gasp for breath, because he can’t properly breathe. It’s been so long since he ate something as good as this.

“Thanks.” He mumbles when he’s sucked out the last drop from the cup.

She just smiles at him reassuringly and walks away.

When he’s at his room again, he looks into the mirror. And what he finds is hideous. His belly is sticking out from his trousers, and his arms looks so flabby.

He knew it was a bad choice to take the food she had offered, but in that moment he had just caved in. He knows now though that this is what he gets if he cheats. In that smoothie there was properly fifty thousand calories, and he’s so afraid to stand on that scale tomorrow morning before school, because he knows the numbers will be disgustingly high.

A drop finds it way from the corner of his eye, and his heart feels so cold and damp. All he wants is to call Miles and ask him if he’s beautiful. But he knows what Miles’ answer would be, that he couldn’t reply to that since Tristan is a dude. And that makes him cry uncontrolledly much.

-

“There’s a party at the Torres’ household tonight, do you want to go?” Miles asks him.

He looks at the text message on Miles’ phone, and he doesn’t really understand why Miles of all people is invited to a party where only older kids will be. Won’t it be a bit weird when there are only them from a class below?

But then he remembers that Drew Torres works for Miles’ father, so perhaps he just wants to be on good terms with his son.

“Sure! Is Winston also going to come?” He asks.

Miles gives him a strange look, and Tristan wonders why. Is he looking at his fat baby cheeks again?

“Nah, I just thought it would be fun if it was just the two of us going.” He says. “But if you want to invite him too, it’s fine by me.” He mutters.

Tristan shakes his head a little to eagerly, and the smile reapers on the once unhappy face.

“Good, it’s settled then, because I was really looking forward being just with you tonight.”

And those words turn into butterflies and flies into Tristan’s belly. Because Miles Hollingsworth just said that he would rather spend time with Tristan than his own best friend. He literally enjoys his company.

If he only knew whatever he says, Tristan takes to his heart so deeply. That if he would say ‘Jump from that cliff’, Tristan is not sure if he’d be able to resist.

“Sure, that sounds fab.” Tristan beams out.

“See you there then.” Miles says, before he continues. “And by the way, I’ll pick you up with the car.”

They end their conversation there and walk to class. Well Miles walk, Tristan nearly floats. He can’t believe that he was the first one to pop up in Miles’ mind when he got that invitation. This diet must really work its wonder for his popularity too.

-

They’re sitting in the car with the stereo playing some slow song. They haven’t actually said anything other than ‘Hi’ and ‘Hello’, but Miles has had his palm casually resting on Tristan’s leg for the entire ride, so he can’t say he’s that disappointed.

The truth is it’s far beyond his wildest expectations that he would be so comfortable around him, even though he knows Tristan’s sexual preferences.

He shuffles just a little bit when the car is stopped and they’re about to head out to the party. He’s just testing if Miles will put away his hand, but he doesn’t. Instead he takes Tristan’s hand in his and gives it a squeeze before he lets it drop.

He really wants to understand Miles, but he can’t. He’s like a big question mark to him, and he remembers when Maya told him about Miles being so locked up inside himself. How irritating it was. But to Tristan it’s intriguing, that’s the one thing that points out to him the most why Maya and him didn’t held. Because she didn’t want to understand him, she never really bothered to keep up with his secrecy. Tristan however is up to wait as long as possible to even get one slightest hint of getting a bit closer to the other teen.

He wants to comprehend why he sometimes give him these light touches. It’s driving him nuts not knowing if perhaps Miles does have some kind of feelings towards him. But then again, why would a dude who’s kissed more than fifty girls feel something for a guy who’s not even fit? It wouldn’t make sense.

Maybe he feels pity for him, because he can see what Tristan now too sees? The fat that pours out from his body, the face that still looks like a new-born, and the thighs that always touching each other when he walks. That makes much more sense.

“You ready?” Miles grins.

“Yeah.” He breathes nervously out.

And he really does feel anxious; because this is the first real party he’s ever been to. When they’ve sneaked in through the doors, it’s beyond what he ever expected.

The music is so loud that he can’t even hear Miles shouting at him at first. There’s foam that covers dancing bodies, and even the entire floor.

When he turns his head he sees Dallas and Drew take shots from Bhandari’s bellybutton, and he doesn’t know if she’s aware of it, but she doesn’t look that pretty with all those boys drooling after her like dogs.

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Miles screams into his ear.

And as much as his ear hurts, it far worse to know that he thinks so. Because she’s Alli Bhandari, she was born to get blokes after herself. So of course Miles thinks that she’s hot, Tristan’s probably the only lad in the room that doesn’t think so.

She jumps down from the table when she spots him. Alli’s face is so sweaty that if he wouldn’t know better, she would easily be mistaken for just have been working out minutes ago.

“Tris!” she shouts, and he’s glad that the music suffocates his sigh when he knows he can’t escape her. “I didn’t know that you were going to be here!”

He plasters on a smile on his lips as he scratches his scalp awkwardly. How can she always find him? Doesn’t she realize that he wants nothing to do with her?

“Yeah, Miles invited me.” He says awkwardly.

She turns her gaze towards him instead and her eyes go from Miles’ toes to his head. Then she looks at Tristan again with a huge grin.

“He’s cute.” She says approvingly.

He looks at her, then at Miles, and he knows what she thinks. It’s embarrassing, really, because he knows that Miles knows what she’s implying. But he doesn’t say anything; instead he just stands there waiting for Tristan’s reply.

“Oh no!” he laughs on order to make the already difficult situation less awkward. “We’re not together.”

“Oh. I just thought…” she mumbles, but her voice dies by the sound of the music.

Tristan is relieved though, because one more second speaking to Alli Bhandari would make his life so much harder.

When his eyes meet Miles’, he doesn’t seem so annoyed by it though. He’s just drinking a beer and offers it to Tristan who gladly refuses. Doesn’t Miles know how many calories alcohol contains? Then again, why should he when he has the body of a God?

The time passes and he finds himself actually having a bit of fun. Well, more than a bit in all honesty. It’s nothing like Maya’s get-togethers where he’s attached to the same person the whole time. No, here he’s talking to Clare Edwards who slurs how happy she is over that he has the courage to be out and proud. He has heard her say that around eight times now.

Then he has Drew who constantly kisses him on his cheek whenever they see each other, while he’s yelling that it’s not gay to kiss another male. Tristan suspects that Drew sometimes searches after him to just get the opportunity to plant a wet peck on him. But he’s okay with that, because Drew is cute and really harmless and innocent.

“I’m going to smoke,” Miles says, “Do you want to follow along?”

He nods, because even though Clare is sweet as sugar, she’s a bit boring, and he’s not sure he’ll be able to hear her repetitive conversation one more time.

When they sit down by the pool, Miles drags down the smoke through his lungs and then offers it to Tristan who once again refuses.

“I didn’t know you liked Torres.” He tries to say casually, but it all sounds as a mutter to Tristan’s ears.

Tristan gives him an odd look and shakes his head.

“I don’t.”

“Then why did you let him kiss you all the time if you don’t like him.”

And he knows that he’s not allowed to get so bothered by it, but he is. If he doesn’t count that kiss in Paris and kissing Yates (because counting Yates is not an option), then Drew is the first boy who’s kissed him.

Why Miles actually care is beyond him. Because he’s just his friend, he’s made that clear whenever he held Maya or Zoë’s hands. And he should really just be happy for Tristan’s sake, because they both know that Drew doesn’t mean anything by it. He’s just a touchy drunk.

“He doesn’t like me Miles, that’s not the reason why he kissed me.”

Miles looks down into the water as he splashes his feet around. He makes rings on the surface with his toes, and some drops falls down to Tristan’s chin. It’s a bit cold, but thinks he’ll survive that.

He wonders what’s going on inside that head. Which thoughts that lingers inside it, since he’s certain that the other boy is not aware over how vulnerable and small he looks like in that specific moment. But he’s probably just thinking that his pool is much bigger than this. Because that are what rich guys are supposed to want to brag about. Well Tristan reckons that anyway.

“So, what if a guy that liked you wanted to kiss you. Would you kiss him back then?”

Tristan thinks about the question, and he’s not sure of the answer. If Zoë would tell him that she liked him, he would at least let her kiss him before he would let her gently down.

“I think so, yes…” Tristan begins, but Miles interrupts him when he pushes his lips against him.

And Tristan doesn’t know what to do, so he just stays petrified as a statue like that in chock as Miles lets him go and stares into the water again. This time he looks even more vulnerable.

Does this mean that he likes Tristan? He sure hopes so, and doesn’t want him to be too drunk out of his arse that he just doesn’t recognise Tristan and thinks it’s Maya instead.

“I didn’t know you were gay.” Tristan finally says after what has felt like an eternity.

“I’m not.” He says blankly.

“So you’re straight then?”

He looks at him weirdly, because this time he really doesn’t understands Miles. Is he just messing around, wanting to know what it feels like to make out with a dude? Or is he just as confused as Tristan is right now?

“No, I’m just Miles.”

And in some strange way, it just makes sense. He doesn’t need a better explanation to feel what he feels, because Tristan just cares about that he’s as into Tristan as he’s into Miles.

“Well, just Miles, as long as you continue kissing me like that, you can be a watermelon for all I care.”

And he does, but this time he doesn’t just crash his lips onto Tristan’s, instead he takes it easy now. And this time it’s a lot different, because it’s needy and hungry, and he can taste the smoke on Miles’ tongue from the cigarette. He understands now whatever it is that Maya and Zig feels when they behave like it’s only them two in the world, because that’s what it’s literally alike.

The music from the house seems so distant suddenly, and all the people there are like million blocks away from them. It’s just the two of them right then and there.

When he backs away to catch his air, Miles takes his hand this time, and he finally comprehends what the gesture means.

-

The day after the party he finds himself standing on the scale. He’s gained two pounds since yesterday, and all the joy that he felt yesterday has just vanished.

It’s more important now than before for him to stay fit, because this time he’s not trying to be good looking for himself, now he has one other person he needs to be thinner for.

He doesn’t understand how he gained weight when he didn’t even have one drink the day before. He had known what the consequences would feel like, how much it would hurt, so he had restrained himself.

Yet here he is, gaining weight like a sponge, and he’s so ugly when he looks himself in the mirror that he wants to die. It was all in vain he realizes.

Miles must sure as hell have a great amount of heart, or be blind to not care that Tristan looks like he does. Or he really has low self-consciousness. Tristan really pities him that he feels settled by being with  _him_ of all people when there are far better looking girls and guys in their school than him.

He ends up at Alli Bhandari’s porch somehow, not knowing why he really is there from the first place.

He tells her everything, all about his eating disorder to kissing Miles yesterday, and she just sits there with her arm around his back and listens. And when he’s done talking and sobbing, she hugs him in such a way that he understands why people like her so much. Because she cares, and she doesn’t act to do so in a bothersome way, but just genuinely care about others needs before her owns.

“Do you know why I have been trying to forcing you to eat this whole term?” she wonders.

And Tristan really doesn’t. He can comprehend the fact that she’s a great girl that wants to be there for people who need someone to notice them. But he can’t understand why she’s put so much energy in just him. So he stays quiet, and she takes that as a big no.

“It was because I couldn’t help Campbell Saunders last year. I didn’t want to be too late this time too, because otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to stand looking at myself knowing that I didn’t do something.”

And everything falls into pieces. He remembers her being Cam’s tutor right before he took his own life, and she and Dallas taking so much blame for something that wasn’t theirs to begin with.

It’s remarkable how much she has done though for him. How she has just put up with his bitchiness, and he feels so ashamed right now for not having been grateful at all to her.

She saw him when nobody ever did. She saw his problems and she actually tried to make some of them go away. And he can’t remember himself being as bad as she’s describing, but he guesses that he can’t trust his own self-mirror at the moment, because he knows that she’s not lying to him.

“Thanks.” He says, because there’s nothing else to say. “For everything you’ve done for me.”

“You’re welcome.” She responds as she begins to search after something in her pocket.

When she finds it, she hands him a crushed cookie, and he doesn’t even question her before he eats up the whole thing in one bite. It’s been too long since he ever let himself enjoy something other than protein shakes.

“Do you have any more of those.” He grins heartedly.

And she has.

-

It’s been two months since he last spoke to Alli. She got her mission completed by ‘Saving him’, and after that they haven’t really talked to each other again. They still smile to one another in the hallways, because they knew something that others didn’t.

These two months have been such a struggle for him. Miles has been helping him with his eating problem by running with him thrice a week. He’s been forcing him to increase his food intake, and the headache that he didn’t even knew he had, was gone and he could think so much clearer now.

It was hard at first to tell the boy that he liked that he wasn’t as perfect as he seems to think he is. But by being completely honest, it feels like they’ve come closer.

But the bulimia hasn’t been the only thing that he has been busy with. Every now and then he and Miles sneaks away into some empty classrooms to make out, touching and feeling each other. They’ve been close to having sex, but Tristan just isn’t comfortable enough with his body yet that he can show and give himself to Miles. And surprisingly enough, Miles has been a true gentleman and not rushed and complicated things. Instead he lets Tristan go in his own pace, and when he needs him to, Miles help him move forward.

They’re laying on Miles’ bed and looking up into the roof as the other teen caresses his palm, giving his neck a light kiss, as he hums a melody quietly in Tristan’s ear. It’s almost like they’re watching the stars; but really, it’s just brown dots in the wood that looks down on them.

He would lay like this forever if he could. But he can’t, and he knows that. When the summer arrives Miles is going to Milan with his family and spend his entire holiday there, and Tristan is going to be all by himself in this rat hole.

And he can’t spend a whole summer wondering whatever it is that they are, because they haven’t established it yet, and Tristan suspects that that is more for Miles’ cause than for his own.

These two months hasn’t just been a struggle for Tristan, it has been a hard time for Miles too to explore what he is, and Tristan hasn’t admitted it to anyone, let alone the boy who’s stuck up right beside him, but he’s so afraid that Miles will wake up one day and realize that dudes just isn’t his thing.

He has to take all his courage to answer the question that has been occupying his mind for a long time now.

 “Miles, what are we?” he wonders with such a visible panic in his voice that he could smack himself.

Miles stops humming and turns his face to Tristan’s. His eyes glisten by the light from the lamp, and he looks even beautiful than normally, if that’s possible.

“Friends, I guess.” He says blankly.

It hurts hearing him say it so casually, like the somewhat relationship they have doesn’t matter that much. But in a way it’s not that strange, because this must be just as confusing for him as it is to Tristan.

“Like you and Winston?” he asks.

“No.”

“But not like you and Maya were either?” Tristan asks again, already knowing the answer.

“No.

He feels so anxious, not knowing if what they are even is a thing. And Miles sure as hell doesn’t help him to understand it better either.

“So what the hell are we then?” he asks so desperately, because he  _needs_ to know.

Miles presses his mouth onto Tristan’s and rubs his nose against his. The nervousness disappears a bit as he tries to still the ever-craving hunger, but it’s never enough.

The other body sits on top of his, and Tristan wants to tell him how magnificent he looks like. That he’s lucky to have such a great guy like him on his side.

But he doesn’t get the opportunity to, because his tongue is already to busy moving back and forth. And he’s not sure he even needs to tell him, because how can he not be aware of how awesome he really truly is.

“Something new. Something better.” Miles says so determinately calm that Tristan believes him. 

And that is all that Tristan needs to know, that they actually are something different and more spectacular than what they have ever encountered on their own with other people.

“Something wonderful.” Tristan adds merrily.

“Something wonderful.” Miles echoes, a grin reaching him to his ears.


End file.
